


Dealings

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Drama, Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-19
Updated: 2004-12-23
Packaged: 2018-12-27 04:10:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12073251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: This is the sequel to my story "Sick", it might be helpful to read that one first, but this one might be able to stand on it's own.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Justin laid on the bed, not knowing how to feel anymore; not knowing what to expect; not knowing what was going to come next. He just stared at the ceiling, pondering if he still wanted to live anymore. 

“Justin, we need to go,” Brian said from the kitchen. He also knew that what was happening wasn’t the best of all situations. His partner was hurting, dying, and all he could do was stand there and watch. 

“I know, just give me a few more moments to collect my thoughts.”

Brian didn’t know what to say except for “okay.” He slowly walked around the living room, hoping it would take his mind off of everything, but nothing did, not even work. He tried even more. He lost himself in his thoughts and wondered what he would do if this didn’t work, if the treatments didn’t work, if he ended up alone again. 

“I’m ready, Love,” Justin said quietly behind his lover. 

They each picked up what they needed for the day; Justin, a backpack that contained a change of clothes, his sketch pad, and a pencil (in case he could draw); and Brian, his keys, and his laptop so if he got the urge to even do anything but think and worry. They headed out the door without a word, but grasped each other’s hand so tightly that Brian’s fingertips went slightly cold.

“You know, you don’t have to stay,” Justin managed to say through his shaky breath.

“I’ve already told you, Justin, I’m not leaving you through all of this. How many times do we have to go through this?” Brian was a bit aggravated at this. Justin had asked him not to go, then begged him, and then given in to Brian going along with him. He wasn’t giving up, and he wasn’t going to let Justin.

“I just wanted to give you one more chance to get out in case you wanted to.” He really hated saying this to his lover because in all honesty, he couldn’t have made it this far without him, but he didn’t want Brian feeling like he had to come along. 

“I want to come along, and you need me here, and I need me here.” 

Justin knew what he was saying, and what he was saying in between the lines. Ever since Brian had initially told him that he loved him when they were leaving the park, he hadn’t heard it since. It had always just been implied, and now it was back to that way. He longed to hear those words again, and he longed to hear them now. He didn’t know if his body was going to be able to handle the ordeal that he was about to go through, and just wanted to make sure that he had all of Brian’s heart. 

While Brian looked like he was highly concentrating on the road, in all reality, he was caught up in his thoughts. He was asking whatever God was listening to help Justin through this situation. He promised himself that he would never let Justin out of his heart again, and he liked it that way. 

The closer the men got to the hospital, the more anxious they both became. This was no ordinary Friday morning. Brian’s stomach rumbled loudly and both he and Justin smiled. The doctor had told Justin that he couldn’t eat passed 8 p.m. the night before he came in, and Brian figured that he would suffer with his lover. No midnight snacks for either of them. 

“You do realize that once they put you out, I am headed straight for the cafeteria, even though that food is disgusting and will probably land me right here in your position.”

“Yeah, well thanks for your sympathy, Brian,” Justin said sarcastically.

They both knew that Brian wouldn’t be eating. He would be way too nervous to see Justin when he came out of recovery and wouldn’t take the chance of missing a moment of his beautiful blue eyes. “Do you know how long it is going to take?” Brian could hear the fear in the boy’s voice.

“If I remember correctly, I think Dr. Lanely said that it would only take half an hour, forty five minutes at tops. I won’t be suffering too long if that’s what you were wondering.”

“Well really, I was wondering how long I will be suffering, but yeah, I guess you do fit in there somewhere.” He had that smile on his face that practically forced Brian to smile also. He knew that Brian would be sitting out there, anxiously waiting for the doctor to come out and tell him that he could come back to the room. 

Justin couldn’t believe that Brian was actually here with him. By this time, he had figured that he would’ve found a way out and took it. ‘Maybe Brian is ready for this relationship,’ he thought to himself. Having him there with him did make Justin feel more comfortable and less dreadful about this whole situation. “So, will you be there when I wake up?”

Brian’s heart sank as heard the need in the sentence, “Of course I will.” 

As they pulled into the parking garage, Justin’s grip on Brian’s hand tightened, as if it could tighten any more. Brian only winced in pain to himself. He wanted Justin to be as comfortable as he possibly could, and if that meant clutching the life out of his hand, he would do it. 

They walked into the hospital and all eyes were on them. There were old couples whispering to each other, young people scowling in their direction, and parents shielding their children’s faces. Justin leaned up to Brian’s ear and whispered, “Man, you would think that we were hideous sights or something.”

“Us, hideous sights? These people got it all wrong. They only wish they looked like us.” They both gave out a laugh at this. “Well, we might as well give them what they are all waiting for.” Justin gave a strange face right up until Brian firmly pressed their lips together and moved his tongue in and out of the other man’s mouth. They heard gasps as they publicly had a make out session that, in any other situation, would have led directly to sex. 

When they pulled away, Justin said louder than needed, so that everyone would hear, “Oh Brian, do any of these bathrooms have locks on them.” When they got on the elevator, both of the men busted out laughing and clutched their stomachs. 

Their mood immediately changed when they reached the seventh floor. They were both dreadfully silent, though they still clutched to each other’s hand. They approached the receptionist and Justin said, “Umm, my name is Justin Taylor, and I am here for an 8 o’clock appointment.”

“Oh yes,” said the slightly plump woman in her over polite tone, “the doctor is prepping your surgery room now. We need you to go behind these doors to room three and put on one of the hospital gowns. You will need to take everything else off, including your underwear. Your guest can go back there with you, but not into your surgery room if you wish.”

“Thank you,” Justin said, and motioned for Brian to come along with him. Brian had hesitated a bit, wondering if Justin wanted him to go back there, and Justin had picked that up. He was relieved that he wanted him back there with him.

After Justin was dressed in the most hideous thing he had ever put himself in, he laid on the bed that he would be taken in to surgery on. He breathed in and out heavily once and closed his eyes. “You alright, Sunshine?” He heard Brian say. “Umm hmm,” was all he could get out. 

The doctor came in and said that it was time to go, and both men started to tear up for the fear of what was about to happen. Brian leaned down to Justin and whispered, “I’ll be right here when you come out of the anesthesia. I love you.”

Justin was fine now. He had heard those words that he had longed to hear, and he knew that he would at least make it through the surgery. “I love you too. See you in about an hour.”


	2. Dealings

Brian sat there, waiting for and word, or even Justin to come out of the operating room. His mind was all over the place, and he really didn’t want to be thinking. ‘What if it all goes wrong?’ ‘What if they aren’t able to get all of the cancer?’ ‘How can I go on without him?’ He really didn’t want to be thinking these things, but they were the only things that came to his mind.

“Mr. Kinney,” His thoughts were interrupted by the surgeon. “Mr. Taylor is fine, the infected testicle was successfully removed and we do believe that we got all of the cancer before it had time to spread.”

‘How can you successfully remove a testicle; it’s a man’s most prized possession,’ he thought. “Thank you, when will Justin be out?” He tried to sound as calm as possible, but his heart was racing.

“In the next five or so minutes, and then he should be awake in the next ten.”

“Thank you again.” As the doctor left the room, all Brian could remind himself was that all he could do now was wait. Wait for Justin, wait for the results, wait the unknown. 

Brian sprang to life, out of his thoughts, as soon as Justin was wheeled in. He anxiously waited for the loving blue eyes to open, then he would know that everything would be all right, well, temporarily at least. He stood over Justin, waiting, willing the blonde’s eyes to open. When they finally did, Brian’s heart slowed down to an almost normal rate.

“Hey Sunshine,” he said in an airy, loving voice.

“Hey,” Justin muttered back in a scratchy voice.

“How do you feel?”

“How do you think I feel?”

“I really don’t know. I guess it was just one of those gestures that you are practically forced to ask in a situation like this.”

“And then I am supposed to say, ‘Ah fine, I guess.’ Then go on like nothing happened.”

“Well, that’s usually how it goes.”

Both of their faces were wanting more. They wanted to know what was going to happen, if everything was all right, if their lives would be back to normal any time soon.

“Well honestly, I feel like shit. I just lost a fucking testicle, my throat is killing me, and I would do anything to be wasted right now.”

“Well, I do love honesty.”

There was a short pause and Justin looked away. Tears started to form in his eyes, and no matter how hard he tried to hide it from Brian, he couldn’t. Brian came closer to him, practically lying in the bed with him. He didn’t say anything, just held him close. Justin heard a sniffle come from Brian, but didn’t want to assume that he was crying. He never cried, so why now?

“I can’t lose you, Justin,” he whispered into his lover’s ear. Justin could tell that Brian was crying, and it broke his heart. He was causing Brian to feel all of this pain; he never wanted this for him. 

“You won’t, and even if this does beat me, I will always be in your heart.”

“But I want you for myself. I want to be able to hold you, and kiss you, and make love to you whenever I want to. I want you to be the one that I come home to every night, and that I buy silly little gifts for. I want it to be you that I feel next to me on a cold night. Not anyone else. Never anyone else.”

Justin’s heart was beaming and breaking at the same time. He didn’t know what to think. He knew that he wanted all of these things too, but at the same time, what if he didn’t make it. What if Brian had to bury him, and every bit of emotion that had now entered into his heart. “I want that too, Brian. And really, we already have it. When you come home, who is there waiting for you, me. When you feel a body next to you in the middle of the night, whose is it, mine. I am the only man that you kiss passionately; I am the only one that hold tightly as much as possible; and I am the only one you have ever made love to. We don’t have to lose that. It’s in our memories, and it always will be.”

“I know, but I want to keep it like that, forever.” Brian’s thoughts were all over the place. He had never felt like this before. He had never felt such emotions before; he had never let himself feel such emotions before. He didn’t know when all of this came about, but he knew that from the moment he saw Justin, he knew that there was something about him; something that would forever change his life. And that was what the boy was doing, changing his life. He was teaching him how to feel, how to care, and how to love. “You have to make it through this, Justin.” He was pleading. He needed it to happen.

“I will. I have all the support I could ever possibly need right here next to me. We can do this together.” He really hoped he was right. Brian had never opened himself up like this before, and he didn’t want to break him by not making it. He had promised, even though he didn’t say the words, so he would, he would make it through this battle.

“Well, you have always been my emotional support system, even when I didn’t want it. I guess it is time for me to give a piece of that back to you. I love you Justin, and you’re the only one who will ever hear that. I promise.”

Those words lingered in Justin’s mind, ‘I promise.’ Brian Kinney never made promises. He had set aside so many boundaries with Justin, and this one added to that. It made Justin feel like he was making a difference. “I love you too, Brian.”

The men laid with each other for a few moments longer, taking each other in. Even though he didn’t want to, Brian got up, and moved to the chair beside the bed. “The doctor will be in here in a few moments. I don’t feel like hearing him tell me that you are weak and need your rest and that I shouldn’t be doing that. I can’t wait until we have you back to full health and I can just hold you like that all night long.”

“Me neither.”


	3. Dealings

“I believe it’s safe to let you go home now,” Dr. Lanely said in the late afternoon on Sunday. “However, I will need you back in my office at 9 a.m. on Wednesday morning.”

“We’ll be there,” Brian said anxiously. He had been doing that lately. Whenever the doctor would say something, he would answer for Justin. He rationalized it as Justin would always make up some excuse, but it was really because he wanted to protect Justin; he wanted all of this to just go away.

“You can eat this time. All I will be doing is a check up to make sure you are healing up right.”

There was a short silence. Dr. Lanely was headed towards the door when Justin finally spoke up. “When am I going to be able to wake up and not think of all of this.” His voice was low, but both the doctor and Brian could hear that his demeanor had sunk to an all time low.

“Well Mr. Taylor, all of that is up to you.”

* * * 

“Do you want anything to eat?” Brian asked as they walked into the loft. His arms quite a bit tired because not only did he have to carry his and Justin’s bags, but in the other arm, he had practically carried Justin.

“Yeah, I’m kind of hungry.” The rumble of his stomach told Brian that he was more that just a little hungry.

“You want anything in particular?”

“Anything as long as it’s not hospital food.”

“I’m tired of it too, so I think I can manage that. I’ll be back in a few minutes. Are you going to be all right here by yourself?”

“Yeah, I’m just going to go lay down for a while until you come back.”

As Brian exited the loft, Justin sunk into his own thoughts. He had cancer, and even though the doctor had removed the infected testicle, he couldn’t help but still fell depressed. How could he let Brian deal with all of this? He had the agency and Gus, he didn’t need a dying boyfriend in that mix also. He couldn’t imagine what was going on in the man’s mind, and he didn’t know if he wanted to either. 

He needed Brian around through all of this, and he knew it, but at the same time, he didn’t want him to see his vulnerability. He was fine with his emotions showing through, but he was supposed to be the one trick that could get to Brian Kinney. And here he was, sick as hell, knowing that Brian wouldn’t be able to handle what was going to happen in the near future. 

Outside, Brian sat in the Jeep, just thinking for a moment. The one thing that meant the most to him was slowly slipping though his fingers. He had come so far in this relationship. He had crossed so many boundaries and learned so much about himself that he didn’t know and had done things he had never thought himself possible of accomplishing. He couldn’t give up now; he couldn’t. “I’ll do anything,” he said to himself as he started the vehicle. Justin had been craving tacos lately, so he figured he would pick up some of those and hope it was the right thing.

As Brian drove, every emotion ran through his body. He didn’t know what it had felt like to actually have emotions until all of this happened. He couldn’t tell if he liked it or not. Justin brought out so many different emotions in him, and with the notion of Justin never being in his life again, he couldn’t handle it. I can be the man that Justin needs me to be right now. I can be the partner he needs right now. The word partner sauntered on the tip of his mind for a while: What it meant to him, and to Justin, and how it was going to change their relationship. 

A tired song played on the radio. Brian recognized it, but couldn’t remember the words. He was searching for something to hold on to, something that was sturdy, something that wouldn’t change. Justin had been that stable rock that he knew would never break, and now that his health had faltered him, Brian wondered if he could hold on to that much longer. 

Justin had been there for him through all of his trying times, no matter how menial they seemed now. He had to be that sturdy rock for Justin now. Brian had no idea how he was going to accomplish it, but he knew that he would. 

Brian walked into the loft with an armful of tacos that could feed a small army. It was painfully quiet and Brian staggered quietly to their room where he found Justin sleeping. “Sunshine…Sunshine…” Justin moved lazily. “I got tacos?” Brian offered. At that, Justin woke up quicker. 

“Mmmm…how did you know that was what I wanted,” Justin asked sleepily. 

“You’ve been wanting it for a while now, and I figured since I was tired of hospital food too, I would let the health nut inside of me shut up for a night.”

“Well good, a bit of unhealthy food every once and a while is good for the mind.”

“You just keep telling yourself that. Just wait till you thirty.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot that I am with an old man.”

“Hey, I may be in my thirties, but I am in better shape and I can fuck better than most men your age.”

They shot looks at each other, but both knew he was too tired and sore to do anything of the sort. 

“You know that you can still go out and trick whenever you want to. We did agree on that open relationship.”

“I know.” Brian just ate his taco. He really didn’t want to go into this with Justin. The truth was that no trick could live up to him. No one compared. Brian wouldn’t allow someone else to get to him the way Justin had. “I just don’t want to.”

At this statement, Justin looked up. Brian still had his head down, and he knew that Justin was glaring at him. “What?”

“I said that I just don’t want to.” Brian’s voice sounded a little agitated. 

“It’s just…” 

Brian cut him off and stared strait into the shining blue eyes with his blazing green ones. “Justin, I said I didn’t want to. I know, I know, we had that open relationship.” 

Justin immediately thought had? 

“No one gets to me the way you do. No one makes me feel as ecstatic as you do. How many different ways do I have to say that I don’t want to just randomly fuck anymore? I told you that I love you, and I do. So take that and know that you are the only one that I want.”

Justin looked back down as Brian looked up. Brian got the feeling that he had made Justin feel worse instead of better. He sat his taco down and moved closer to the blonde. He wrapped his long arms around him and started speaking in what was slightly above a whisper. “I thought I was going to lose you for good when we found out that you had cancer, and now I am not taking the risk of having that feeling again. That scared the shit out of me. If I have to give up all other tricks to ensure that you will remain mine, then that’s what I am going to do. Okay?”

Justin nodded and wrapped the rest of his taco up in the wrapper. He turned back into Brian and laid in his arms until he drifted off into what seemed like a peaceful sleep.

“I love you,” Brian whispered when his lover’s breathing signaled that he was asleep.


	4. Dealings

Brian woke up to the bathroom door slamming abrasively. He looked at the clock and cursed into the silence: 2:47. His mind immediately came back to reality. That was Justin slamming the door. He had never closed the bathroom door, why now. He ran in there as fast as he could. He willed away his own vomit reflex as Justin regurgitated the entire contents of his stomach in the harshest manner.

“Something just didn’t settle right. Don’t worry okay.” Justin sounded as tired as Brian was. “Let’s just go back to bed.”

Brian couldn’t help but wonder if the boy was really okay, but didn’t make a big deal of it, as they were both exhausted. 

The next morning, Brian noticed Justin was extremely pale. The whole day, he could barely move and he wouldn’t eat anything. No matter what he tried, Brian had an overwhelming sense of uselessness. He brought home take out, Justin couldn’t eat; he rented a movie, Justin just wanted to sleep; he started up a conversation, Justin just wanted to think. He had never felt so vulnerable to the way someone else was feeling. He had always just said, “fuck it.”

This time, it was Justin. The tables had turned and now he cared. He couldn’t just say, “fuck it” this time. For Brian, the day was wasted. Nothing great was said, or done, or accomplished. Maybe tomorrow will be better, he thought to himself as he walked to the bedroom to go to sleep. He thought Justin would already be in a vast slumber, so he crept in as quietly as possible. However, when he laid down, he heard the voice that had made his heart jump so many times, but he knew this time would be different. The sound in his voice was different; the emotion was different.

“Maybe I should just leave.” Both of the men’s hearts sank to an all time low. 

“If it’s what you want, but I have to ask you why.” The pleading in Brian’s voice was more than enough to make Justin wish he had taken that sentence back.

“All of this is too much for you. I mean, it’s too much for me, but you didn’t ask for this Brian.”

“You didn’t either.” His voice was soft, low, and undeniably shaky. 

Their eyes met for an instant and a single tear streamed down Brian’s face. Justin studied the tear all the way down Brian’s cheek. It pained him so much to the one man that he loved the most hurt because of something he couldn’t control. 

“I know I didn’t ask for it, but – “

Brian cut him off as he had done extremely often the past week or so. “And I told you that I was going to go through this with you.” Brian’s voice was a bit louder now. “I’ve told you, and I guess I need to spell it out for you again. Justin, I love you. As hard as it is for me to say that, that should be an indicator to you. I think those three words and I start to tremble; hell, I think of you and I start to tremble. And then it makes me sick to think that I might lose you to this. That’s why I won’t let you out of my sight until we have beaten this. You are going to beat this, and I am going to be by your side the entire time. This promise isn’t for shit.”

“But...”

“Fuck, Justin! Just say that you love me too and come curl up in my arm like we both want.”

Justin knew this is what he wanted to do, and he couldn’t believe that Brian was being so domestic. God, I do hope he is ready for this, he thought to himself. “I love you,” and he crawled into Brian’s arms where he felt safe until the next morning.  
***  
Brian woke up to empty bed again the next morning. No severe hurling sound coming from the bathroom, but no noise at all either. He looked through the door and hoped that Justin wouldn’t notice him; and he didn’t. However, what he saw made him want to break down right there. The gorgeous blonde that meant so much to him was standing in front of the mirror, staring at his naked deformed body, sobbing as silently as he could. 

Tears started to roll down Brian’s cheeks and against his original thought, he didn’t try to will them away. Instead he walked into the bathroom and wrapped his arms around Justin. “I don’t want you to look at me,” was all the blonde could say. 

“You’re still perfect to me,” Brian said, and he genuinely meant it. He held Justin close to his body and hoped that by the close proximity, Justin wouldn’t think about him looking at him. 

“But look at me.” Justin pulled away. “And you, a man that thrives on perfection.”

Brian stroked Justin’s hair, hoping for the right words to come to him. “I do thrive on perfection, in that you are right, but I had a jaded perspective on it. No one person is perfect on their own. I’m only perfect when I am with you; when I have you right next to me.” His mind faltered instantaneously, and he struggled for the right words to come out. What seemed like minutes, but only seconds later, “I have a small scar, right here underneath my elbow,” he lifted up his arm and pointed, “that I got when I was six. I jumped off the swing-set and busted it on the wood that surrounded it. But ya know, when I have my arm around you, no one can see it, not even me.” He really felt like he got his point across to Justin, and hoped that the other man had read between the lines.

“I love you Brian Kinney, and you are perfect to me.”

“Yeah, that’s what they all say.” He gave his smart-ass smirk and handed Justin a towel. The blonde took it, but took another quick glance in the mirror, hoping Brian hadn’t noticed, but knowing he had.

Justin’s spirits seemed to be lifted for the rest of the day. He didn’t mope like he had been accustomed to the days before, his appetite was slightly heartier, and he used every opportunity he could to be affectionate with Brian. After the perfection speech, he finally realized that he couldn’t make it on his own through this without Brian, and somehow, he had always known that. I’ve offered to leave twice now, and each time, he has told me to stay. He looked at Brian while he thought this, munching on his Cheerios. I need you Brian Kinney, I really do.

At this instant, Justin forgot about cancer, about one testicle gone, about future doctor appointments and radiation. It was the first time since he had been told that he had testicular cancer that it hadn’t been on his mind. “Do you want to go out and do something?” he asked. 

“Are you sure you are up to it?” 

The thought of his cancer came back to him, but Justin willed it away. “Yeah.”

“Then let’s go.” Brian’s face had lit up. He was wondering when Justin would want to see the daylight again and face the outside world. 

“You think I can drive?”

Brian’s face wrinkled. “You mean, my vehicle?”

“That was sort of the point.”

“God, the things you do to me.” He tossed the keys reluctantly, but planted a soft, but passionate kiss on his lover’s lips.

Justin took Brian to the park. When they arrived, Brian was a little weary because he didn’t know what was going to happen. They hadn’t been back here since Justin left and Brian came to find him. Justin grasped his hand and led in the direction of that fateful bench.

“I wanted to tell you what I was thinking when I wrote you that letter and while I was sitting here. It may not mean much to you, but it means a lot to me, and I have to tell you.”

Brian just shook his head, not entirely sure what to say. He just held on to Justin’s hand and looked into his intense blue eyes.

“I wrote you that letter with every intention of leaving Liberty. Yet, when I left, I couldn’t force myself onto the bus. I didn’t know where to go, so I just sat here. Every memory that I have of you passed through my mind. From the moment I saw your face while underneath that street lamp, to the times that your kiss seared though my body, to the times that your eyes said your real feelings, even though you tried to will them away. I sat, and relived every moment that you kicked me out, and then asked me to come back; every time I left, and came crawling back. 

I realized that you have helped me to become the man that I am today, and all of that had just slipped right by me. I never really realized the impression that you had left on my soul until that day. I knew that I loved you, but I finally comprehended how deep that ran through my veins. Your love has intertwined itself with my blood and is running throughout my entire body every moment that I breathe. When you called, which I had so hoped that you would succumb to doing, I knew that you were willing to deal with all of this with me, but it was when you said that you loved me that my whole perspective changed.”

Brian could feel his own blood rushing through his veins, his heart pounding so intently, he could hear it in his ears. He had never felt such feelings, but he knew that they were real. Justin had brought so much out of him already, he knew there was so much more to him that he had to learn.

“I knew that you telling me you loved me took a lot out of you, so I was willing to let you back in.” Justin looked around at all of the other people going about their regular lives without spite, unlike he had the last time he was here. “But after the surgery, I thought it might be too much for you again, and I knew that you wouldn’t say anything about it. Each time I opened your door out, you shut it just as fast. That is what got me through all of the hard parts. I know that there are more hard parts to come, but somehow, they don’t seem as hard because I know that you are going to be there for me.”

Brian just sat there, not knowing what to say. He wanted to say all of the right things, to let Justin know that he had comprehended what he had just said, and also to reinforce it. He pulled Justin in to his arms and just looked out into the masses of people. He was feeling what he knew had gone through Justin’s mind the day he sat there alone. All of those people were going about their regular lives, and not even caring about what might even be going on in someone else’s life that they are passing by. He sighed. “Justin, I will always be here for you, no matter what. I am not just going to leave because you sick.” Brian could feel his egocentric, asshole personality seep out of him; maybe it was just for Justin, he still hated the rest of world.


	5. Dealings

Brian was asked to wait out in the waiting room while Dr. Lanely examined Justin. He wanted to protest every minute of it, but he knew he couldn’t; there was no way the entire office would understand what they had gone through to get to where they were in their relationship. In a way, Brian hated that he had opened up his heart so much, because now, he was vulnerable to anything that Justin said, and anything that happened.

Why’d this have to happen to Justin? Fuck! I can't even do anything about it. I’m fucking sitting out here when I should be in there with him giving him all the support he needs. I hate these fucking doctors. He glanced at his watched and figured that half an hour was more than enough time to get this appointment over with. Brian searched his mind ever more. He had nothing else to think about other than what he would do for the rest of the day. Still, nothing came to him. 

“Mr. Kinney, you can come in now,” a slightly pudgy nurse pronounced for the whole waiting room to hear. He realized that the two people who were in the room when he came in with Justin in his arms were staring at him. He knew what they were thinking and it sickened him. Intolerance was so ignorant. There were so many things that he could pick out from them and hate them just because of it. He brushed it off his shoulders and quickly went into room three.

“So, what’d the doc say?” he said right before he planted a soft kiss on Justin mouth.

“Well. I’m all healed up surgery wise, but he still wants me to undergo the radiation.” There was a slight pause, and when he began to speak again, Brian could hear the fear in his voice, along with the words. “Bri, I’m scared.”

Brian let out a huge sigh. His heart broke when he heard the man’s voice. “I would be lying if I told you that I wasn’t, but Justin, I can only promise you one thing, that I am going to be here for you. This is going to be hard, no doubt, but I mean, at least we caught it early, right? You have a better chance at full recovery.”

“I know, but I don’t know what to expect.”

“Then let’s ask the doc.”

“I just want to go home.”

“Well, we can do that, too.”

The ride home was silent. However, Brian’s mind was clouded with confusion. He longed for the right words to say, but wondered if there were any right words. He had been searching for them since all of this started, and he still hadn’t managed to find them. He hated that he had seemingly turned off his emotions permanently and couldn’t find the switch to turn them back on full swing. He needed them now more than ever.

As they walked into the loft, he found himself yearning for a small snack. He walked over to the kitchen while Justin lazily sauntered into the room. Brian grabbed a sandwich bag and filled it with some Cheerios and poured a glass of milk. He laid on his back next to Justin and looked at the ceiling. Justin couldn’t help but smile and giggle a little at the sound of the crunching cereal they had originally bought for Gus. He reached for the bag to grab a few when Brian quickly grasped his hand. 

“I thought you knew how to ask?” he said in a playful tone. 

Justin rolled over on his side and looked at Brian. His body immediately began to fill with titanium. Just looking at Brian took his breath away. He grabbed the bag and the milk and set them on the floor. Brian began to protest, but decided not to from the look on his lover’s face. Justin placed a slight kiss on Brian’s mouth, which ended up in a thrall of passion; their tongues searching every crevice of the other’s mouth. These kisses weren’t filled with lust or desire, they were filled with passion and intimacy.

Justin tugged at Brian to pull him on top of him. Almost immediately, Brian pulled away. “What…what’s wrong?” Justin’s pale blues blazed in a dazed state.

“I just…” Brian breathed in deep and said while exhaling, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Justin paused for a moment. What had just come out of Brian’s mouth had more meaning than just what was at face value. He truly cared. Anything he could have said would never amount up to that one sentence. He smiled the smile that lighted up any room. “You won’t.”

He gently pulled Brian’s shirt off of his body, and Brian still looked worried. “I’ll be fine.” Brian couldn’t deny that he wanted it. One look down proved that Justin knew just how to arouse him in any situation. He slowly pulled Justin’s shirt off and tossed it to an unknown place on the floor. Each article of clothing was removed in the same manner; slowly, contemplatively, staring each other in the eyes. 

“I don’t want to fuck you.” Brian had a worried smirk on his face. 

“Then don’t…Make love to me instead.”

Brian immediately started to vehemently kiss Justin. Their bodies were intertwined with each other as they basked in the moment. Brian relished in the way their skin felt so right together, so close, so warm, so comforting. This was going to be long and slow, and both of them knew it. This was the first time either of them had ventured into such territories. It was more than just about the physical feel, and it was out that they both knew that fact. Their eyes never parted as Brian began to insert himself into Justin as gently as he could. 

“I love you Brian Kinney,” he said in a little above a whisper.

“I love you Justin Taylor,” and he meant it. 

Brian moved in and out of Justin as smoothly and tender as he could. They studied every aspect of each other’s body and savored every moment of it. Neither of them worried about coming; the only thing they wanted was to be as close as possible. 

Time didn’t matter, and hours later they were just finishing. No matter how slow they were going, Brian still found a way to satisfy himself, and Justin, without causing him any pain. 

“I don’t think I have the energy to even get up and get something to eat to regain it,” Justin said, exasperated. 

“You don’t have to,” Brian said in a very upbeat, childish tone. He leaned over the side of the bed and picked up the bag of Cheerios. “These should at least get you then energy you need to get up and grab some substantial food.”

“Good, ‘cause I don’t want to get up from your arms any time soon.”

Brian laid there, listening to Justin crunch on the cereal. He closed his eyes, and sunk deeply into his own thoughts.

Brian

I can't believe that I can actually feel my heart. Damn the Kinney’s for turning me into a cruel, unemotional person. I can't believe that this was what I was missing out on all of these years. It’s not the fact of the sex, it’s the emotional feeling that I have right now. I just want to pick up his sketchpad and draw him like he has drawn me so many times, and so many times when he thought I didn’t notice. 

I’ve always felt so hallow on the inside. I don’t know when this fulfilled feeling came about, but I know that now I can acknowledge it…to myself at least. 

So this is what it feels like, Sunshine. This is what it feels like to be in love. Oh how I wish I could’ve realized this a long time ago, when you realized it. Maybe our relationship wouldn’t have been so rocky, maybe I wouldn’t have missed out on some of the greatest things we could’ve experienced together. God, I don’t know what’s better, the way I feel about you, or knowing that you feel the same about me. 

Now I see why you were laughing at me when I was eating the Cheerios. Those are so loud.

It doesn’t matter. I have been given the chance to deal with this with you. And I am, dealing with it. I understand that this is probably going to be the last time that I get to lose myself in your body, yet, I’m okay with it. Oh God, me, Brian Kinney, accepting that it is going to be months before I can have sex again, and be okay with it. I don’t want any other tricks. They really couldn’t live up to this lovely piece of man lying next to me.

What has happened to me? Where has the arrogant, never feeling Brian gone? How did he ever survive? Everyone is going to think that I have gone hetero, but this feeling is wonderful. He’s…he’s perfect. 

Brian must have falling asleep, because by the time he came back to consciousness, Justin wasn’t in the bed. He stepped off the bed, pulled on a pair of his sweatpants, and breathed in deeply. The smell of something wonderful cooking wafted in from the kitchen. That man can do anything. He just had a fucking testicle removed; he still wanted to have sex, and now he’s cooking me a meal. Is there anything he can't overcome?

Justin smiled as he saw Brian wander in, still sexy even though he was in those God-awful sweats. “Awe, I was hoping to bring it to you in bed.”

“On my sheets?”

“We could wash them if anything got on them…well, anything else that is.”

Brian walked over and planted a firm kiss on Justin’s mouth. He looked around and then picked up a spatula to help in any way he could without burning the place down.


	6. Dealings

I'm sorry this is so short guys, but I promise, Chapter 7 will more than make up for it when it is finished. And I won't make you wait as long this time.

* * *

The alarm clock woke both of the men with a start. Brian slammed it as it punctured his brain and drilled to parts that hurt the most. “Let’s take the day off,” he said to Justin, who barely had his eyes open. 

“Agreed…So, are we just going to stay here all day with each other’s company?” He smiled at that thought.

“You know what, I was thinking maybe we should get out of Pittsburgh for the day. Forget about all of this and just enjoy having you with me.” The plot was formulating in his mind. Justin would love feeling so appreciated.

“Just you and me? And no one else to come and bother us at unexpected moments? Is there a place where no one knows you?”

“Probably not, but I can just tell them to fuck off.”

Justin was smiling from ear to ear, lighting up the room. Brian felt the words slip out of his mouth before he even got the chance to think. “God, I love you.” 

Justin was a little shocked, as was Brian, but once he saw the look on his Sunshine’s face he couldn’t help but know it was true. “I mean it ya know. Even though every time I say it, I get this twinge in my stomach; I still mean it. I’m not going to let you slip through my fingers again.”

Justin got off the bed and walked over to Brian. He wrapped his arms around the taller man and pulled his lips to his. To kiss him had never felt better. Something inside of Brian had changed, and it was for the better. He liked the feeling of knowing that he was loved in return. “Let’s go hop in the shower and figure out what we are going to do with today.”

“I have no objection to seeing you naked.” He noticed that Justin was a little taken aback by the comment. He was struggling with his self-image after losing the testicle, and Brian figured it would be that way for a good while. He leaned his forehead down on Justin’s, “Sunshine, you’re still perfect to me.” Without another word, they headed towards the shower.

“You know,” Brian started as he wiped the soap across Justin’s body, “maybe I don’t want to tell you where I want to take you today.”

“Well why not?” 

“I think you are in need of a good surprise.” He gave his little smirk, and Justin knew that this had been the plan all along. 

“Well, if you insist.”

“And I do.”

***

After the shower, Brian pulled Justin close to him and whispered in his ear, “pack a day’s worth of clothes. We’re not coming back till tomorrow.” 

Justin didn’t say anything; just smiled the whole time he was getting his clothes. Standing next to Brian at the closet, knowing he was critiquing everything he was picking. He was such a fag.

“I only have one rule for today. No questions all right. I want all of this to be a surprise for you. Something that no one else would do for you, and something that you will never forget; something that is more than any words could ever say.”

Justin swooned as he complied and sealed it with a kiss. 

An hour later they were fully dressed, packed and in the car on their way to leave.


	7. Dealings

God, how he can fall asleep at a moment like this, I will never know, but damn, he’s so hot when he sleeps. He is going to love the Braiden Ville. It’s only about an hour and a half outside of the Pitts, but it’s a world of difference. I booked the honeymoon suite, even though it’s so lesbian.

I can't way to get this day started. He just needs a day off; a day to forget the awful hand he’s been dealt. I’m here to give it to him.

***

Justin came back to reality from the soft whispers of Brian’s voice in his ear. “Sunshine, wake up. This place is almost as gorgeous as you are.” He slowly came to, wondering if this place was a reality when he opened his eyes.

“Christ, Bri, it’s beautiful.”

“Not as beautiful as what I’m looking at.”

Justin realized the he was looking strait at him. _When did he change? I can't say that I hate it, but damn, it is such a change. He finally knows how to show he cares. It had to take me fucking getting cancer, but now I know, for sure, that Brian Kinney loves only me._ He smiled and thought he caught a hint of blushing in Brian’s cheeks.

“Let’s go in. You haven’t even seen the suite yet.”

Brian helped Justin out of the car and motioned for a bellboy to take their bags up to their room. He grabbed his hand and squeezed rather tightly. Justin didn’t mind the feeling of bones pressing against each other. Brian looked over and had to catch his breath. The sunlight was hitting Justin body in such a way that he could help but feel a twinge in certain areas. He pulled the blonde close to him and captured him in an indulging kiss, one that even too bystanders’ breath away. 

Justin was amazed at the plain beauty that the place offered. It wasn’t like something he was used to Brian picking out, it was something more delicate, something he knew he had pondered on. As they walked into their room, Justin was brought back to reality by Brian’s voice.

“Don’t get too comfy, there, Sunshine. We have massages in an hour.” Justin’s face lit up and Brian knew that he had done the right thing. Although he was sure he would never truly admit it, Justin loved the finer things in life. Brian felt like he had raised him that way. A massage, especially with the handsome brunette next to him, would definitely get his mind off the crap that he had been dealt lately. Brian didn’t hate it either, knowing that the gorgeous blonde would be naked underneath that tiny white towel made him anticipate the massages even more.

Justin fidgeted around for a few minutes, taking in everything, like Michealangelo would’ve taken in Florence. He knew that at some point, Justin wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to pull out his sketchpad, even if they were only going to be gone for 36 hours. Brian just say back, and watched as his lover did what he did best, be an artist. 

“All of this is so beautiful,” Justin began. “How did you know this is exactly what I needed. To forget whatever is back there in that nameless town and just be here in this luscious scenery with the most wonderful man in the world?”

“Well, I mean, I already knew that you loved spending time with the most wonderful man in the world, namely, me, but you love art, and this place always made me think of you. At sunset, the way the streams of sunlight hit the hills reminds me of your smile. It could save any man’s soul.”

“But Brian, you said, that once a man…”

“I know what I said, but I’m allowed to take some things back.”

“You older men, you never can make up your minds.”

“That’s fucking women you little twat. Now settle down or I’ll have that massage cancelled.”

Justin knew that Brian was shooting idle threats, but he slowed down just so he would make the wonderful day go sour. Even though they had just checked in, he was already having the time of his life. Everything was just too perfect, hopefully nothing terrible would go wrong.

Brian must have dozed off because one minute he was watching Sunshine look out the window and the next he was curled up in the chair with a blanket loosely thrown over him. The phone rang and halfway startled him.

“Yes, this is Mr. Kinney…Oh okay, we’ll be waiting…thanks…bye.”

“Who was that?” Justin asked as soon as Brian got off the phone. He was really nervous all the time lately. It must have something to do with all the trauma that he had been through his entire life, but he quickly put the thought out of his mind. This is about Brian and I, not about anything else that ails us.

“Oh it was just the front desk man. He said that we should strip down naked and start fucking as loud as we possibly can. All the old strait women are waiting for the show.” He knew from the look on Justin’s face that he needed to change this quickly. “Or…strip down to our skivvies and put on the robes that are…right over there…and wait for our masseurs.”

“Ooh, already!?” The excitement could be seen in ever inch of his body and it made Brian delighted to know that he had made it possible.

“Yes, already. We’re only here for a night, so we have to get everything squeezed in before noon tomorrow.”

“Oh, so there’s more? Are you going to tell me.”

“Of course there’s more, and no I’m not going to tell you. You knew that even before you asked.”

Justin just smiled and accepted the small defeat. He knew that this was Brian’s doing, and he would just have to play by the rules, silly as they were. 

“Here, let me help you get into the right attire for your massage.” Brian started to pull Justin’s clothes off, slowly, and sultry. He made every effort to brush up against the spots that would drive Justin wild, and ever wilder knowing that while he was doing this, two people were on there way up to interrupt them. He did the same to Brian, hoping to get the reaction out of him that he did. They had just enough time to breathe in one lustful kiss before there was a knock on the door. Brian reached for the robes and wrapped one around Justin while he pulled the other on him as he walked towards the door.

Justin looked down and realized that Brian had had their names embroidered on to the robes. However, he had the wrong one. Obviously his name was Brian so he looked up, “Hey Mr. Kinney, I think this one is yours.” 

“Well, I do believer you are right my dear Watson.” He pulled his off and quickly exchanged with Justin. After he put on the right one he looked down expecting to see his name, instead, he read the word, “Sunshine.”

Brian was looking back to catch his reaction and the look on Justin’s face was priceless. He knew that the blonde would love it, and that’s why he did it. The cost of the hand embroidery didn’t matter, especially from the kiss he got for a thanks: a smoldering, death defying, never you let you go kiss.

As the two masseurs walked in, Justin mouthed, “I love you” to Brian, who just winked back with a smirk. Justin took one look at the two strangers and his eyes widened. No doubt Brian had requested these two, they were gorgeous, but any standard. They laid on the tables and submitted themselves to the strangers hypnotizing hands while staring at each other the entire time.

Justin grabbed for his robe as the two men started to leave. He wanted to wear it the entire time if Brian would let him, although he knew he wouldn’t. As he was about to lift it from the chair, Brian’s hand covered it to prevent him from taking it. “Leave it. Let’s just go lay for a while.” Justin obliged, although he figured they would be doing a bit more than just lying down for a while. 

Brian pulled back the covers and slowing slid under the covers. Much to Justin’s surprise, he kept his underwear on, so he followed suit. “I just want to hold you close to me for a while, feel you next to me. That’s all I want, honestly.”

Justin breathed out, “That’s fine” as Brian wrapped his warm arms around his body and pulled him close.

“I don’t want to lose you again Justin.”

“You won't.”

They both knew that these statements were promises, though they would never admit it out loud. Brian had told him a long time ago that he wanted to keep him around for a long time. He meant it then, and he meant it now. When Justin left for Ethan, Brian didn’t think he would recover. Of course, to everyone else, he was just the same old Brian, out doing whatever the fuck he wanted, but the truth was, he had died inside. Justin really did bring the good out in him, and he realized that he didn’t want to lose that, ever again. He wasn’t afraid of this promise like every other one that seemed to come about. He knew he wouldn’t break this one, and neither would Justin. This wasn’t a rule, it was their hearts.

Justin thought his heart was going to stop. Brian Kinney, actually confronting his feelings, showing his vulnerability. I never thought it would happen, he thought to himself. Yet there he was, in this ville that he had never heard of with Brian, promising that he would never leave him again. A few seconds later he heard Brian breathe, “I love you.” Falling asleep had never been so peaceful for either of them.

An hour later, he felt Brian startle and begin to wake up.

“Mmm…Hey there, Sunshine.” Brian’s voice wasn’t harsh and raspy as usual. It was more relaxed, sensual, and just, open. Although he realized that he sounded highly vulnerable, he didn’t mind. All of this was going according to plan. Get Justin out of the Pitts, make him forget about everything, except for him of course, and just relax. He needed it. 

Brian looked over at the clock: 12:19 p.m. In approximately eleven minutes, room service would be bringing them their lunch, another thing that would delight Justin. Not only did he love being pampered, but he was also going to love this meal. Brian cringed a little just thinking about it.

They lay there for the remaining eleven minutes. When the a knock on the door was heard, Justin jumped slightly. “Who’s that?” 

“Just some lunch,” Brian responded cooly.

“But I didn’t hear you order any.” Justin was so confused. He knew he would’ve heard Brian order room service. The phone was right next to the bed.

“You still have so much to learn young Padawan.” 

“You hate Star Wars.”

“So, I can still use the phrases.”

The knock on the door sounded again.

“You always distract me from answering the door.”

“It’s my ravishingly good looks.”

“Don’t forget your charm.”

The waiter rolled in the cart that only had one main dish on it and nothing else. He also noticed, that instead of there being wine or champagne in the ice bucket, there was a two litre of coca cola, the wine glasses there of course. “Your lunch Mr. Kinney.”

“Thank you, Stanley. You’re tip has already been added to your check.”

“Thank you, sir,” and he was out of the room.

“So, what are we having for lunch? I mean, there’s Coke in the ice bucket.”

“Yes, this I know. I ordered it that way.”

“But you hardly ever drink sodas.” Justin was extremely confused. Was Brian Kinney going against his strict eating regiment to make him more comfortable? This was all too strange for him. “What’s under the lid.”

“Close your eyes. I want to see if you can smell it then tell me.”

The blonde did as he was told and closed his eyes. He was way too excited to protest. He inhaled and held it for a moment. The smile on his face told Brian that he knew. “It’s pizza, with hand tossed crust, italian sausage, the real stuff, pepperoni, extra cheese and mushrooms.”

“Jesus Justin! You eat way too much to know all of that from one sniff.”

“What can I say? I love pizza."

The two ate, in their specified robes obviously. Justin could never express how much he loved the robes. It wasn’t that he only liked his, seeing Brian in a matching robe with his name on it seemed, well, so “partner-ish.” It felt good.

Precisely what he needed. Brian could tell that Justin’s mind was far away from anything that they left behind just hours ago. He still couldn’t believe how attractive he was even though he just had this disease that was eating away his body removed along with one of his testicles. It’s funny how life throws a whole lot of shit at you all at once. 

After Justin’s third piece, he began to slow down. “Are you about finished? I have something else planned for us.”

“You’re kidding me? Did you plan out every waking moment that we are going to have here?”

“Well, you know me; I’m a control freak.”

Justin finished up his fourth slice and his champagne glass of coke and looked at Brian as if saying, “What next?” 

“We might want to put on some actual clothing for this one. I took the liberty of packing your favorite cargo pants and your favorite white t-shirt. I will never know why you like wearing them, but I know you like them. I put them in my bag so you wouldn’t know.”

Justin’s face lit up with a glorious smile. Before he knew it, he had his arms wrapped around Brian, though not really knowing what to say. “Well, if I am going to be dressed so casual, you need to be also.”

“Oh don’t worry about that. I have my own line of casual clothes that allow me to be comfortable and nice looking at the same time.”

“The faded jeans and the black tank.”

“Damn, how did you know.”

“You’re so fucking predictable Brian and you don’t even realize it.”

They slid into their clothes and after Brian pulled on his shirt, he pulled Justin close to him. “You know I…” he stammered and Justin could sense that he was still fighting himself with certain words.

“I know Brian.”

“No, I want you to hear me say it. It just takes a bit out of me. I have to remember that I’m not just a shell of a person. And you need to hear it, you know that as well as I do.”

Justin only nodded his head. He knew that everything Brian was saying was true, he just wanted to make things a bit easier for his lover.

“I love you, Justin. Just don’t forget that.”

They headed for the door and Brian intertwined his fingers with Justin’s. What he was clutching to, he hadn't quite figured out yet, but what he had been missing all these years was now clear. This man right next to him had shown him what it was to live again. Helping Justin turned out to be helping himself. This feeling should never stop he reminded himself.


	8. Dealings

_I can’t believe that I am actually going to take him down there. This has got to turn out right. I, we, cannot afford for this to go wrong._

Brian looked at Justin and then to the ceiling, saying a silent prayer to whoever above was listening, hoping it was someone other than his dad. He squeezed Justin’s hand a little tighter as they started to descend the steps. A few couples glared at the two like they monsters with guns and big scary teeth, while others accepted them with warmth and smiles. 

Justin was in awe of all that was around him. He looked at Brian and gave one his smiles that gave him his nickname. “I can’t believe you knew of this.”

“It’s the reason why we are here on this particular day.”

Justin looked over to the sign in front of the ballroom. “Braiden Ville’s Annual Art Show”

“I’ve heard that some big time collectors come here, too.” Brian was teasing now, but so far he felt everything was going smoothly. “Well, let’s have a look around.”

Justin was instantly mesmerized by all that was around him. He stopped at each piece of work for at least five minutes and just took it all in like cancer wasn’t even a word in the dictionary. Brian followed patiently. “These are for sale?” Justin asked as he picked up a price tag connected to one of the pieces. He flipped it over and his eyes grew to a huge size and he gently put it back down. 

“Yeah, that’s what makes this such a big deal. Some of them go for more than both of our net-worths put together. But, if you see one that you like, we can get it.” His stomach turned when he said that line.

Justin just kept looking. He had no desire to own any of these pieces although some of them were absolutely breathtaking. So much heart and soul was put in to each canvas. As he came to the second wall he came to a complete stop. His eyes grew wide and looked at Brian. “Brian Aiden Kinney,” he said in a hushed scream, “wha…what is this? Right there, hanging on the wall in front of him was three of his own sketches and two of his paintings. “Where did you get these?”

“I had them shipped here last night.”

“Why didn’t you ask me first? What if I wanted to keep these?”

_Fuck, fuck, fuck. I fucking screwed up, again._ He tried to hide the hurt in his eyes, but he feared it wasn’t working. He thought that Justin would like the exposure; he was always saying how he wished he had more. “I…I guess I shouldn’t have. I’ll have them taken down and we can go.”

“What are you talking about? I don’t mind them being up. It’s actually kind of sweet seeing as I was just telling you how I wanted a gallery to hang my…” He stopped when he picked up the price tag on the first one. “Two thousand five hundred…for one sketch that I did of you on while you were working on that…that…women’s shoe ad? That’s outrageous.”

“What can I say. I know people will want to buy beauty when they see it.”

“Why thank you for the compliment Mr. Kinney.”

“I wasn’t necessarily talking about what you did with your pencil, I’m talking about your subject.” He snickered a bit and pulled Justin into him. “You have talent Justin, and if someone is going to buy it, they should pay the right price for it.”

Justin looked at the price tags on all the others. Each time his brow raised a bit more. The highest priced one, which was a sketch of Gus and some of his playmates at the park was priced at seven thousand five hundred dollars.

“Look at the other prices. Yours is practically a dime in a passerby’s pocket. I didn’t want you to walk away with nothing, but at the same time, if I overpriced it, no one would buy.”

“Holy shit.” A painting next to his had a ticket price of thirty-six thousand dollars.

About that time, an elderly man and his overly studded wife came up. “What do you think of this one, Hon?” It was the sketch of Gus and the others in the park.

“Oh, that little boy is just adorable.” As she pointed to Gus, Brian smirked to himself, knowing it was his genes that she was talking about. “That would go just perfect in the den next to the, well that hideous thing, what do you call it, a Flower of Lisa that you have up there. I would hate to be the woman that that flower was named after. It’s hideous.

“Ellen, it’s the Fluer de Lyse, and it’s French.” He looked at her and smiled, “Culture, Hon, culture.”

She smiled back at him and picked up the price tag. Both Justin and Brian caught a view of her studded fingers and knew that she would find the price ridiculously low. He felt Justin squeeze his hand and he looked over to see the look on his face. He saw his expression go from sheer enthusiasm to a pale, sickly look. He reached for him just in time to make the blow of the fall less bruising. 

“Justin…JUSTIN!” The fear in his voice could be heard by anyone standing in the room. He looked around, tears right under his lids, but being forced back. Justin’s eyes fluttered back open and Brian began to breathe again.

“How’d I…? I…I was…and then…”

“Shh, it’s okay. You’re fine, right?”

“Yeah…just a bit of fatigue. I must just be pushing myself too hard…”

Brian picked him up and proceeded to carry him out of the room. “Brian, I can walk on my own. You knight in shining armor you.”

“I don’t want to see you pass out again. I want you to be okay. Maybe this whole trip was just wrong. I should’ve just let you rest.”

“Absurd Brian. We were both getting cooped up in the loft and we needed a touch of change, even if it was only for a day. We just need to take it slower”

Brian wasn’t convinced. He wanted his Sunshine back, along with the warmth and the comfort that the light emitted. “Here, jump on my back. At least let me carry up the stairs like that.”

Justin smiled and complied. He jumped on to Brian’s back and hung on tightly around his neck.

“You’re…. You’re choking me, Sunshine.” Justin loosened his grip and Brian made his way up the stairs.

He tossed Justin on to the bed when he got to the stairs. He was going to make a joke about the boy’s weight, but the truth was, he had lost a touch of weight since the whole “c-word” began. Brian didn’t liked to think that Justin actually had cancer, but he knew that he would have to face it at some point or another. He could see the bottom two ribs when Justin took off his shirt and he knew that Justin had noticed it too, and was a bit self conscious about it.

“I guess it’s a good thing that I have a slow night planned for this evening then.” He said it to himself, but also so Justin could hear. 

“Well, what are we doing.” The hint in Justin’s voice always gave it away when he was excited.

“Go look in the closet.”

“What?”

“Just do what I tell you, will ya?” Brian was half giggling and he silently reprimanded himself for nearly actually giggling.

He got up from the bed and waltzed over to his side of the closet. He slid the door open and sitting solitarily was a semi-casual, semi-nice black suit. The pants were strait legged, like he preferred, and the coat was very modern. With a half collar that stood up and a white shirt underneath it, he couldn’t wait to put it on.

“It’s your first Armani, Sunshine.” Brian practically purred. He knew how he felt when he put on his first Armani and hoped that Justin was feeling the same pride.

Justin spun around and glared at the other man. “Ar…Armani? But I thought I was too messy to ever own one of these.”

“Well, you have grown up a bit and you can now get at least 80% of the food you eat in your mouth instead of on you. Plus, I plan on making you wear a bib, you know, like Gus wears.” He did it; he giggled again. He had to stop that.

“But, what’s this for?”

“It’s for dinner silly. We are having a private dinner next to the pool promptly at 7 p.m. tonight.”

Justin sighed. This was turning out to be just amazing, everything, not just the suit. It was more than he had expected.

“It’s only four, so maybe we should just chill out for a bit before we start to get ready.”

***  
“Hey, I’m going to go hop in the shower, wanna come with me?” Justin was a little bouncy. Brian knew that his decision on the suit was right then. That’s the way he was; he couldn’t wait to get into his first Armani at first. 

“Okay, okay, I’m coming. Go ahead and start the water. I’ll be right there.”

Justin walked into the bathroom, while Brian walked over to his bag. He waited until he knew that Justin was in the bathroom before he pulled out what he wanted. He grabbed the box and breathed in deeply. _Christ Brian, he got to you good. He got to you damn good._ He walked into the bathroom and caught a glimpse of what would never cease to take his breath away. Justin’s pale skin blended in with the background of the white bathroom, but he was still absolutely beautiful.

“Justin, come here for a minute.” His voice was serious, but if he let it go anyway else, it would scare the both of them.

“Yeah, what’s wrong Brian.”

“Nothing, I just have something for you.”

“Brian, you’ve given me the world today, what else could you possibly have for me.”

“I have this.” He pulled the box from behind his back and Justin just looked at him, almost blank. There was a glimmer of some emotion that Brian’s mind was too cloudy to comprehend. He pulled off the blue lid and began to speak again. “Getting you a ring would be to cliché and honestly, I just couldn’t pull myself to buying one.”

Justin started to open his mouth to say that it was okay, but Brian kept going, so decided not to.

“Then I saw this.” He pulled out a white gold bracelet. At the clasp, there was a tiny heart. Brian put the bracelet on Justin’s pale skin and flipped it over to reveal the heart. “This was the best I could do.”

Justin lifted it up and noticed that there was an inscription, “BK & JT”. It was almost too tiny to notice, but it was there. He felt the heat in his eyes and tears started to stream down his face.

“I’ve got one, too. So now, everyone will know that you belong to me.”

“And that you belong to me.” The sentence was a half statement, half question.

“Yes, that I belong to you.” Brian’s voice was deep and serious, unlike any other tone he had ever used. He was too afraid to really say anything, and too afraid to put anything in his voice that might say something he didn’t want it too.

“Brian, they’re beautiful; I couldn’t ask for anything more.” He kissed the other man and held him in a close embrace for several moments. “Let’s shower.”

Brian could have sworn that Justin was absolutely breathtaking in his suit. It fit him perfectly. He was definitely proud of that purchase. His face was glowing too, which meant that the bracelet was good investment also.

“You ready, Sunshine.” Justin took one last glance in the mirror and said “yes.”

Brian took his hand and headed for the door. His heart was racing the entire time down the winding staircase and out to the poolside. It was like something off one of those cheesy reality shows that Justin liked oh so much (that he detested). The table was lit up by two candles on top of a delicate off white tablecloth that topped a round table. There was a small set of flowers in the middle; at least they would be able to see each other. There were rose petals all around the table and floating in the pool. When Brian saw how it was put together, he wished that he had covered up Justin’s eyes so he could surprise him and see the exact look on his face, but it was a little late for that. He glanced over, and Justin was stunning. Everything about him completed the moment. His perfected hair (that took him a good half-hour to fix), his suit, his bracelet, and his glow. Oh that glow, it was killing Brian, but it was perfect. He pulled the blonde in for a kiss, and no words were needed. They didn’t speak until Brian said, “Here, let me get that for you,” as he pulled out Justin’s chair. Neither of them could stop smiling.

“Brian, this is absolutely amazing.”

“Well, I was going to have some background music going, but all they had was a violinist.”

Justin bowed his head for a moment.

“I just told them that my boyfriend hated violin music and that we could do without. Then I told them to just make the scenery a bit more immaculate, so they did, because I’m paying them.”

Justin’s smile returned and that made Brian feel loads better. As expected, a waiter came out with two glasses of white wine and the main dish. Brian had ordered garlic, lemon chicken, steamed vegetables, and a small side salad for the both of them. There was a sauce that came with the chicken that he didn’t know the name of, but knew was fantastic.

“Brian, this smells fantastic.”

“Just wait until you taste it.”

Brian watched Justin eat, and realized that he kind of liked it. He was trying to be so delicate with each bite to make sure he got nothing on his suit. Brian realized that he thought it was cute. He giggled, started to silently reprimand himself for it, and then stopped. Justin’s face lighted up at the mannerism, so he let it continue. The meal was wonderful, as both agreed, but as with everything else, it had to end. They started to head back upstairs, hand in hand, when Justin stopped, still outside.

“Brian, I just wanted to thank you.”

“There’s no need for thanks, Sunshine. I did it because I wanted to do something for you.”

“I know, but I’m still thanking you. Today has been wonderful, and I just want to keep thanking you; you made me forget.”

“Justin, you know you…”

“I know. Now let’s get upstairs, hang these suits back on their hangers so you don’t have a fit”

Brian smiled and kissed the man because he knew just how to make him happy. “You’re wonderful.”

“I know, I learned from the best.” Justin led the way back up to the room.


	9. Dealings

Justin woke up with a deep breath and looked over to see that it was still nighttime. He glanced at the clock to see that it was exactly 1:13 in the morning. He tilted his body towards Brian; his breathing heavy and his chest rising and falling in exact rhythm. He started to talk in his sleep and Justin just listened.

“No, NO!” His breathing started to quicken and he rustled under the sheets. “Justin…Justin, no.” He sat up, obviously still asleep and cradled a pillow in his hands. “You’ve gotta wake up, Justin. You’ve got to…someone, please. He needs help” Brian was yelling by this and Justin didn’t know what to do. He remembered Brian telling him that he would just slightly shake him and say his name to get him out if his bad dreams. 

“Brian…Brian, you need to wake up. Please, wake up” He shook him softly, hoping he would come out of this soon. It was scaring him. “Bri, come on Brian.” He finally started to come out of the dream, no, nightmare.

“Jus, oh Justin. I haven’t had one of those nightmares in a while. I guess this whole cance…sickness…thing has just gotten me all out of balance. You’re okay, and that’s all I need to know right now.”

“Of course I’m okay, and I’m going to be okay. Come here” He scooped Brian up in his arms and held him like Brian used to hold him after his nightmares. It was a little uncomfortable because Brian was so much larger than he was, but it was comforting. He rubbed his hands through Brian’s hair and the shimmer of his bracelet caught his eye. He bent down next to Brian’s ear and whispered, “I love you, Brian.”

“I…I love you too, Justin.” He rolled over in the blonde’s arms and looked at him face to face, nose to nose, hazel eyes to blue eyes. “You know you mean the world to me.” It was more of a statement rather than a question.

“Well, if I didn’t know by now, I would’ve by this trip, but I already knew.”

Brian leaned forward and kissed Justin fervently. He pulled him to where they were both on their sides, but he was leaning a bit over Justin. He felt chilled hands roam over his back and down his sides, then in his hair and back down his spine. He felt the hands reach the elastic at the tip of his briefs. Suddenly, he pulled back from the kiss, “Mmm,” he shook his head, “I only want to kiss you.” 

Justin got a somewhat nervous look on his face, but recovered with, “Well, it doesn’t quite feel like it,” pulling his hands around the front of Brian’s briefs. 

Brian took hold of his hands, “Right now, it’s all that I want. You’ve had a trying day, and wearing you out even more like that might only do more harm than good. You’re hands can go anywhere else. Now just let me kiss you.”

Justin complied and let his hand go back on their journey to where ever they want to wander, except to where Brian had forbidden them to go. This was nice, just kissing. He’d never felt this feeling of love before; deep in his bones yet sliding across his skin. He felt that it was essential to his survival to always have this feeling, to want Brian to feel like this.

The kissing intensified for a while, and then slowed down to where Brian was just holding Justin tightly in his arms. Sleep overcame them once again until the alarm went off at the crisp hour of 9.a.m.

“Mornin’ Sunshine.” Brian’s voice was course with early morning exhaustion. It was scratchy and deep, and wonderful.

“Mmm…mornin” Justin kept his eyes closed and pulled the blanket over his head.

Brian slid a cold hand over Justin’s abdomen and that woke him up. “We’ve got breakfast in an hour and I thought you might want to shower first. 

“Yeah, yeah, let’s go get clean.”

Brian led the way to the shower and was fully impressed with himself. He could see how Justin was feeling much better and that at some points in this little get away, Justin had even forgotten that he was dealing with cancer. The truth was, so had Brian. 

He started the water and adjusted the temperature to one that was comfortable for Justin. With his frail skin, he couldn’t take the same kind of heat that Brian did with his tougher, dark skin. As they got in and noticed all the unfamiliarity, Brian quickly pulled Justin into him. “You do realize that in three hours, we are going to be back on our way to Pittsburgh and that all the realities that lie there will be waiting for us.”

“Yeah, I do, but right now, I am here with you, enjoying all that this little getaway has to offer.” Justin looked up at Brian hoping he didn’t see the truth behind his lies. He knew what was going on, and he knew that going back home would just be the beginning again. He was dealing with the fact that he had cancer, and that he would survive it. He was also dealing with the fact that he only had one testicle left, but Brian still thought he was perfect.

Brian was glad to hear the Justin was enjoying his stay here at the Braiden Ville, but he could tell there was some hidden emotion behind his words. He wasn’t ready to give up, and he wouldn’t let Justin veer off into that looming darkness either. They would make it through somehow and they would come out on top like they always had. 

They finished their shower and dressed in regular comfortable clothes. This breakfast did not call for formal attire, although Justin had admired the suit that he had worn just the previous night before opting for a pair of jeans and a green t-shirt. 

Down in the lounge below, Justin noticed a sort of familiarity between Brian and their current waitress. He seemed to know everyone, Justin observed. She was cordial, and Justin tolerated it. “Your usual Mr. Kinney?”

“Yes please, but let him order for himself.” He nodded towards Justin, who blushed a little. 

“Hmm…I’d like a bagel, with raspberry cream cheese, a cup of coffee, and a glass of milk.” Lydia, as her nametag stated, jotted down his order and headed towards the kitchen to place the order.

“Well, that definitely is not what I expected you to order. You normally go for the more fattening, clog your pores food.” Brian was definitely shocked and it showed by the look on his face and the slight rising of his voice.

“I just felt like something different.” Justin bowed his head and started to play with his thumbs. He was embarrassed for reasons he did not know of. He felt a playful nudge from underneath the table. Justin looked up and grinned. Finally, he was able to just be himself. 

Breakfast was brought out by the waitress, Justin his bagel, and Brian’s usual, which happened to be two scrambled egg whites with a slice of whole grain toast and butter with a cup if coffee. It was a bittersweet breakfast; they were together, dealing together, healing together, but in just moment’s time, they would be going back home. A home that held dark secrets and pain for the world to see. And yet, that was okay. Home was a journey that would be taken together; a road that no one goes alone. 

Brian headed back upstairs clutching Justin’s hand in his. Neither of them wanted this rendezvous to be over. It was too nice, to special, too needed. He walked back into the room for the last time before they were to leave. Holding Justin close he breathed, in and out, heavily. “Justin, we’re going to be okay.” The way he said was not quite a statement, and yet, it wasn’t a question either. Justin nodded his head in agreement and knew the reservations that Brian had also. 

The road home was long, but so was the road to recovery. So many obstacles laid in the paths of the two lovers that at times tore them apart, and at times, brought them together. Standing there in their room was only the beginning. Brian was afraid of where all this was headed, where his heart was going to land, and where him mind was venture to next. 

He made sure that everything was packed neatly into the bag that he had brought and double-checked all the drawers and the bathroom. Leaving something would only make it harder to get home. He watched as Justin carefully zipped up the bags that held each of their suits, ensuring their safety on the trip home. The light caught a glimmer from his bracelet and he smiled, twisted his wrist around to feel it glide over his skin, and then caught a glimpse of Brian watching him. “What are the boys going to say about this?”

“Fuck what the boys have to say about it. I got it for you; it’s none of their business, or Debbie’s.” Brian knew that questions would be asked, stares and strange glances would happen too. He didn’t care anymore. If this was how it had to be, the so be it. He needed Justin to know how he felt for him, even if at times his stomach churned so hard he felt sick. “We need to be going Sunshine.”

Justin nodded and picked up the hangers that held the suits. Brian grabbed the bag in one hand, and Justin in the other. They walked out and Brian handed the desk clerk the key when they reached downstairs. The drive home was just as silent as the ride up. Driving always made Justin sleepy, and this time, Brian was thankful for it. He needed this time, this drive, to sort out his thoughts; to sort our how he was going to deal with the realities of home. 

The drive that seemed so long on the way to Braiden Ville now seemed extremely short. Before Brian knew it, he was waking Justin back up, telling him they were home. Brian got out of the car and caught Justin’s stare as he exited his side also. For a moment, they just stood there. From that one look, they both knew that everything was going to be fine. They were going to find a way to deal with this and they would be better people, a better couple, for it.


End file.
